The world of stouts is usually a depressing place. It’s a landscape populated by drinks that look like used engine oil and taste like a burnt radiator hose mixed with disappointment. Most of them are so thick you don’t drink them; you sort of... deploy them into your stomach, where they sit like a heavy, damp rug for three days.
But then, we have this: the Hawkstone Stout.
The Engineering
Under the bonnet, this isn't your standard, sluggish heavy-lifter. It’s been brewed using barley grown on a farm owned by a man who once tried to build a bridge out of sports cars. You’d expect it to be chaotic, then. You’d expect it to be bit "ambitious but rubbish."
It isn't. It’s a masterpiece of liquid engineering.
The Look: It’s blacker than a politician's soul, topped with a head so creamy it looks like it was applied by a professional plasterer.
The Torque: Unlike those watery "craft" stouts that have all the impact of a damp tissue, this has actual presence. There’s chocolate, there’s coffee, and there’s a distinct lack of that metallic "I’m drinking a penny" aftertaste.
The Speed: It goes down with a terrifying smoothness. It’s the brewery equivalent of a Bentley Mulsanne—heavy and substantial, yet somehow manages to do 150 mph without spilling your cufflinks.
The Verdict
Usually, when a celebrity puts their name on a bottle, it’s a cynical cash grab designed to fund a third divorce or a yacht in Monaco. But this? This is different. You can tell someone actually cared about the chemistry. It doesn't taste like "marketing"; it tastes like victory.
"It is, quite simply, the finest stout ever to enter a human face."
Some say, if you’re still drinking that mass-produced Irish stuff that tastes like cold Guinness-flavored water, you’re doing life wrong. Get a Hawkstone. It’s bold, it’s brilliant, and it’s got more character than a 1970s Alfa Romeo, without the constant threat of it breaking down on your tongue.
Final Score: Five stars. And on that bombshell, I’m going to have another one.
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When Jeremy Clarkson launched Hawkstone, he did it with a very clear purpose in mind; to honour the blood sweat and tears of British famers by turning their barley, wheat, apples and botanicals into the world's best beer, cider and spirits.
